Just when I think I have everything under control (a joke indeed), I suddenly get blindsided. The other day while driving to work, I was channel surfing the radio. One channel was giving their headline topics that were planned for the next hour. My ears perked up when I heard the word "Parkinson's". You know - I can't even tell you the topic. Strangely, something in my mind triggered and all I could think was "Damn it! I have Parkinson's Disease - I really have it!!" Then the tears started flowing...to my chagrin.
"What is wrong with you - seriously???" I thought. "You've known you have it for awhile now- get a grip!!!" "Yeah, but I really really DO have it and it's not going away!!", I answered myself while wiping the trickling tears from my cheeks. "Crap - where is this all coming from and why now? Good grief girl - get a grip, you're almost at work." I managed to pull myself together and arrived at work with red eyes and an "allergies are acting up"excuse.
I don't get it! What's up with this blindsided feeling? It's not like I don't think about Parkinson's all of the time as it is these days. So how is it that it can just hit me hard out of the blue like that? :(
And really - in comparison to all the horrible and truly sad things going on in the world today - my having Parkinson's is nothing. So...Self - are you listening? You are hereby given notice, if you need to have a cry, at least do it for something more than hearing the word Parkinson's on the radio. Have I made myself clear?
Blindsided is a great word for those unexpected emotions that suddenly come pouring out even after acceptance. Even with acceptance, you have a long road ahead with lots of unknowns and challenges. Though it caught you by surprise, there's nothing wrong with some tears of emotion. Look at the tears as a little emotional cleansing. After all, Parkinson's isn't just a word on the radio.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Dan
CM, Maybe in a some weird way that was all right that it caught you off guard. To me that means you are living your life not consumed by Parkinson's. Simply hearing the word made you realize you have it; It doesn't have you. You had my eyes tearing up reading it. Now go back to living and eat some chocolate. You deserve it. A fellow Parkie.{{HUGS}} Brain
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