Well - as you can guess from my post title - I am in a funk. It's kind of a cranky funk! I knew things were not good when my husband jokingly (and not so jokingly) said "Woa, the B.... is back!" I thought I was dealing pretty well with my life and with the diagnosis of Parkinson's. But apparently not! While I have been trying to stay positive and keep my negative emotions in check, there may be some indications (OK there ARE some indications) that I am not doing a very good job at staying upbeat.
Today one of my friends gave me an article from Good Housekeeping which was an interview with Michael J. Fox. As you all probably know, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease several years ago. In the interview Michael made a comment which struck me hard when I read it. "That's it!" - I thought to myself. "That's what I feel like!"
He said " with Parkinson's, it's like you're in the middle of the street and you're stuck in cement shoes and you know a bus is coming at you, but you don't know when. You think you can hear it rumbling, but you have a lot of time to think. " This is exactly what I feel like! I tried to describe it to someone this way "I feel like there is always this dark shadow lurking behind me. I try to ignore it but it's there, always hiding behind me."
Michael J Fox went on to say, "And so you just don't live that moment of the bus hitting you until it happens." While I desperately want the "you just don't live that moment of the bus hitting you" to be my philosophy, the "rumbling" of the bus rings loud and clear in my head. I realized today after reading this article, as much as I hate admitting this, not only am I frightened by being hit by that bus but I also am even somewhat angry and frustrated with not being able to stop it.
So my quest is to find ways to deal with my fear, anger, and frustration cause the "bus" is eventually coming and there is nothing I can do about it! I want to get on with my life in a happy way and burying the emotions is not working so well. The B.... needs to go!!!!!!
Any suggestions?
Wow, chilling words. It gives the perfect perspective into the feelings that PD brings about.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion-let the B out! I know, sounds counterproductive, but it's the truth. Trying to deal with things the "right way" by suppressing what you think of as either improper or negative feelings is actually going to cause you more aggravation in the end. And you'll find yourself striking out not even knowing the reason for it yourself.
You already have a wonderful outlet through this blog. Another might be to have a silly punching post or bag (literally, not figuratively, and no husband jokes lol) and to have at it whenever you feel an influx of emotions that you don't feel like tackling. Just cause we're feeling the emotions doesn't mean that we're ready to deal with them atm.
Fay, I don't think my husband would appreciate you telling me to let the B out! He is the one that has to deal with her. poor guy.
ReplyDeleteBut you make a good point, the emotions have to come out somewhere. I like the punching bag suggestion. If I could figure out how to rig one of those bags that hangs down - you know the big ones boxers use, I would love that. I may have to look at some space in my basement and investigate this possibility further.